Going on a solo babymoon to Hawaii was certainly not my first choice. I initially planned a Hawaiian babymoon with my then boyfriend. We had been broken up for a week and half when I found out that I was pregnant. But we got back together upon learning the news. And we were trying to make our relationship work. I felt a babymoon wasn’t just an opportunity to celebrate the miracle that was happening inside my body. But it was also chance to reconnect and fall in love again.
Two days before we were set to leave he told me he wasn’t going. I cried for 24 hours straight. But I had a decision to make: should I cry for another who knows how many more days at home? Or should I take my baby to my happy place (the beach) and use the time to heal and relax, like my doctor recommend? I decided on the latter.
I packed at 9pm the night before my trip. I woke up crying. I got myself to the airport. I cried on the plane. And then I arrived at the beautiful Four Seasons Resort Oahu at Ko Olina.
I can honestly say it was the best decision I could have made. I used the trip to reset, recharge and fall in love with the new me: a soon to be mom raising a beautiful baby boy as a solo parent.
To be honest, the first day was really tough. I’ve always prided myself on being a strong, independent woman. But hey, I’m not superwoman. I cried non stop on the beach that afternoon and then cried myself to sleep that night (pregnancy hormones certainly don’t help with emotions!). I wasn’t crying because I was on my babymoon alone. I was crying because in my gut, I knew that the relationship was probably over.
When I woke up in tears at 4am the first morning in Hawaii I decided to text a letter to my then boyfriend. It was a last Hail Mary. I forced myself to be vulnerable and I poured out my soul, which has always been very difficult for me to do. Even though he didn’t say it directly, his short response, coupled with his actions over the course of my pregnancy, made everything crystal clear: it was my final realization that we were over as a couple (there’s obviously tons more to the story but I appreciate that you respect my privacy on the details).
I was thankful that I got the closure that I needed. There was no questioning what I had to do anymore. I can now say with 100% certainty that I did everything in my power to try to make the relationship work. I had to face the harsh reality that people don’t change unless they want to… and it takes two to make a relationship work. There was nothing more I could do. After processing, I immediately felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.
I spent the remainder of my trip in Hawaii focusing on myself and my son. After just a couple of days, my energy levels returned. And the scary cramps I had been continually experiencing for the past month completely went away. I was so relieved. It’s mind blowing how stress directly harms the body. Now that I was free from a taxing relationship I started to actually feel like me again.
I swam in the ocean every morning. I took long walks in the sand listening to children giggle as they splashed in the lagoon. I read four books. I got prenatal massages in a hale while birds sang sweet lullabies in the breeze. I shared my sweet potatoes fries with the mongooses living in the bushes lining the beach. I floated in the waves. I watched schools of fish swim around my growing belly and smiled knowing that I was sharing my happy place with my little Pisces baby.
Of course there were still occasions when the sadness crept in and tears started to fill my eyes. But I would touch my Breathe bracelet, practice deep breathing, look out into the vast ocean, close my eyes, feel the warm breeze on my face and then put my hands on my sun kissed belly. When I visualized holding my baby boy my sadness dissipated into a smile.
I did cry actual tears a few more times during the trip. But this time they were tears of joy during these special moments that I’ll never forget.
I know that being a single mom is going to be tough. But I also know that I’m tough. And sure, it will be lonely at first. But I would choose being alone any day over being in a relationship that causes constant distress. It’s not healthy for me. And it certainly wouldn’t be healthy for my baby. Plus, if you stay with the wrong person, you prohibit yourself from meeting the right one. And I look forward to that happening when the timing is right. In the meantime, I have the most amazing mom, incredible stepdad, loving family and the best friends a girl could ask for. Knowing that I’m fortunate enough to have this strong support system eases my fears. And I can’t wait to meet the new love of my life: my baby boy.